The Vader Vingettes!
by Mutant Goldfish
Summary: Vader went to the Dark Side, and now he is paying for his mistakes. Believe me. A series of 500 word vingettes where poor Darth is tormented in ways you wouldn't have thought possible. R&R!
1. Wants a Muffin

Darth Vader Wants a Muffin

Darth Vader looked around the inside of his weird- evil- Easter Egg- dome thing.

"I could use a muffin," he said to no one in particular. He looked around again.

"Why don't I have any muffins in here?" He put on his helmet and paged the cafeteria.

"Hey, could I have a muffin? Preferably whole-wheat with jam?" he requested. The chefs stared at the screen for a moment, and then broke out into laughter. Several funerals later, the Sith Lord still didn't have his beloved breakfast pastry.

"Why is it so hard to get a friggin' muffin around here?" he stormed.

"How do you even eat?" a thousand inquiring fans asked.

"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" Vader bellowed, and went to find a hot dog instead.


	2. Doesn't Know What the Heck This Is

Darth Vader Doesn't Know What the Heck This Thing Is

Darth Vader stared down at the revolting piece of fabric lying on his desk. It was pink, green, and brown, and had no recognizable purpose. It looked a bit like a disfigured Hutt. No one in their right minds would make anything so hideous… which explains the note. _To Vader, for his birthday. From Palpatine._ He couldn't throw it out. He posted a picture of it on an Imperial messaging board and asked people to guess what it was. Answers began to pour in.

**A doily for shoe?**

**A yarn bookend?**

**A cloth engine?**

**A tauntaun's guts?**

Vader threw it in a drawer, disgusted.

* * *

Several years later, it crawled out of the drawer and slowly hunted the ship in search of brains to eat. Finding none, it returned to its owner.

"AHHH!" Vader screeched. "DEMON YARN!"


	3. Defies Gravity

Notes: My first exspourse to vingettes was Sarah Noble's "Snape Vingettes" series, something I enjoyed so imensely I'm attempting to imiatate it with my own vingettes. Sarah Noble, if you want me to take it down, just say the word.

Disclaimer: I don't own Darth Vader, Luke, or Star Wars in general, or any pop culture references I may make. Oh, oh, what next?

Darth Vader Doesn't Like "The Wizard of Oz"

"There's no place like home?" Vader repeated in disbelief. "There's no place like home? What kind of crap movie was that? Who recommended I watch "Wizard of Oz" anyway?"

"Wait!" the choking officer gasped. "You have… to watch "Oz" before… you can see 'Wicked'!"

"What's 'Wicked'?" Vader asked, releasing the strangled officer.

"Broadway musical," he spat out, doubled over.

"A musical! You're suggesting I, Dark Lord of the Sith, go see a MUSICAL!" Vader thundered. "Well, I've got nothing better to do."

"I think I'll try defying gravity! I'm flying high, defying gravity!" Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, sang along to the soundtrack. Luke closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'm not related to him, I'm not related to him, I'm not related to him…"


	4. Will NOT Redecorate

Darth Vader Will NOT Redecorate

Darth Vader stepped out into the hallway and screamed.

"What have you DONE?"

"It's Feng Shui!" Tarkin explained happily. "Before, the whole place was nonconductive to chi! Now, we'll increase productivity by 35 percent! No wonder you're used to be so angry all the time. Don't you feel the chi?"

Vader said nothing for quite some time. He cleared his throat.

"You're fired, Tarkin."


	5. Does Not Trust the Magic 8 Ball

Darth Vader Does Not Trust the Magic 8 Ball

"Will I ever rule the Empire?" Vader asked, shaking the small plastic fortuneteller.

_Ask again later._

Vader waited five seconds. "Okay, it's later. Will I ever rule the Empire?"

_Concentrate and ask again._

Vader gritted his teeth. "Will I ever rule the Empire, gosh-darn!"

_Reply hazy, try again._

"Will I ever rule the Empire?" Vader said, more angry than inquisitive.

_Cannot predict now._

"What's wrong with you? It's a simple question! WILL I EVER RULE THE EMPIRE?" he boomed, shaking the 8 ball so hard the liquid sloshed for several minutes before answering.

_Better not to tell you now._

"Oh, great. Now I've offended it. It will never tell me now!" He shook it halfheartedly in one last campaign. "Will I ever rule the Empire?"

_Don't count on it._

"Stupid Magic 8 Ball!" Vader yelled, throwing it in the trash.


	6. Disses ObiWan Kenobi

Disclaimer: I do not own the line, "when I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master." That line is from Star Wars: A New Hope.

Warning: High idiocy and "yo momma" content.

Darth Vader Disses Obi-Wan Kenobi

"Oh, oh. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Hot Meals were stolen food!" Vader yelled towards the retreating Jedi. Obi-Wan whirled around.

"Yo momma's so fat, people use her weight as a zip code!" Obi-Wan shouted.

"Yo momma's so fat, she HAS her own zip code!" Vader retorted.

"Burn!" a cordon of stormtroopers bawled.

"You wanna take this outside, Darth?" Obi-Wan challenged.

"Bring it on, old man!" Vader shot back.

"Oh, it's on!" Obi-Wan replied, igniting his lightsaber. A ring of stormtroopers surrounded the dueling Force users, chanting, "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!"

"When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master," Vader called over the stormtroopers.

"Only a master of MTV, Darth," Obi-Wan informed him.

"I'll get you for that!" Vader thundered, slicing Obi-Wan through the stomach. He looked down at the corpse, now vanishing.

He nodded solemnly. "You just got served."


	7. Demands Military Discounts

**A/N:** Please don't be offended if you or someone you know gets military discounts. I just assumed, as commander-in-chief of the Imperial Military, Vader should get one.

Darth Vader Demands Military Discounts

Darth Vader glanced over the ticket prices.

_Adults: $7._

_Children (12 & Under): $5._

_Seniors (70+): $5_

_Military: $4._

"Wow!" Vader exclaimed. "Four bucks to see _Pirates of the Caribbean Two_! Now there's a bargain!" He approached the ticket vendor.

"One military ticket, please!" the Dark Lord requested happily.

"Do you have a military ID?" the vendor asked, not looking up from her magazine.

"Ummm…" He conducted a frantic, hasty search for his ID. "No," he pronounced at last.

"No ID, no discount," the vendor informed him, snapping her bubble gum.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he retorted, checking various pockets sewn on the inside of his robe.

"Hurry it up!" an irate voice behind him demanded.

"Don't you recognize me?" Vader asked hopefully. "Lord Darth Vader? Head of the Imperial Military? Ringin' a bell?"

"No," the vendor replied shortly.

Vader looked dejected for a moment, and then brightened up. "Wait a minute. I'm Darth Vader. I can strangle you and get in for free!"

The vendor looked up for the first time. "Uh, you don't really need an ID. Here's your ticket. Go on in!"

"Finally!" Vader said, striding into the theater.

"Why are you watching _Dead Man's Chest_ anyway?" a thousand inquiring fans asked.

The vendor rolled her eyes. "Duh, Johnny Depp!"


	8. Is A Bachelor

A/N: I was in a really weird mood when I wrote this, so be forewarned...

Darth Vader Is a Bachelor

Darth Vader sat typing at his desk, listening to his newly purchased _Wicked_ soundtrack when a realization struck him.

"Hey. I'm not married. That makes me… a bachelor!"

This truth took several moments to set in.

"I can go to clubs, cruise for chicks, and drink myself to oblivion! Yeah! This rocks!"

Reality caught up with him.

"Wait a second. I'm not twenty-five, I'm Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, and I'm a widower." His elation was soon replaced but deep depression. He began to cry.

"Baby," remarked a passing stormtrooper.

"DIE!" Vader boomed, strangling the unwitting soldier. The stormtrooper collapsed to the ground.

"Hey!" he observed. "I feel better now!" Killing people gave him a warm, fuzzy feeling.


	9. Has A Problem

NOTE: The next few chapters will be loosely connected. You may prefer it to the more random ones (like a running joke) or you may like more unconnected ones. I'm just trying this idea out for size. And now, our feature presentation!

Darth Vader Has a Problem

Vader was having a great time singing along to _Popular_, so much so that he didn't notice the hologram behind him.

_I'll teach you the proper ploys_

_When you talk to boys_

_Little ways to flirt and flounce_

_I'll show you what shoes to wear_

_How to fix your hair_

_Cool_, he thought. _With the volume turned up, I sound just like Kristin Chenoweth!_

_Everything that really counts to be popular._

"Thank you, but that won't be a necessary," his Master's sarcastic voice cut in.

"AHHHH!" the Dark Lord shrieked, falling out of his chair. He rose to his feet and turned around with some reluctance and quite a lot of embarrassment.

"I think you have a problem, Vader," Palpatine stated. "How many times have you have you listened to that soundtrack today?"

"Three," Vader mumbled, shamefaced.

"You need help. Serious help. I'll see you in a few days. Good day." The hologram flickered out.

Still mortified, Vader turned on _Dead Man's Chest_'s soundtrack. At least _it_ didn't have words…


	10. Hates Freud With All His Psyche

This entry is rated PG-10 for mild Oedipus Complex.

A/N: I didn't plan to write this one so anti-Freud, but then I looked up Freud on Wikipedia and discovered I hate him. Cheers.

Darth Vader Hates Freud with All of His Psyche

Darth Sidious had the malicious grin on his disfigured face that told Darth Vader he would not like whatever came to follow.

"Take a seat," he said, somehow managing to turn three words into an omen of utter tragedy.

"I'm fine, thanks," Vader answered politely, eyeing the tasseled, velvet, and very possibly bloodstained couch nervously.

"Sit down."

Vader sat.

"Good. Tell me about your childhood," the Sith Lord said, transforming what was generally a comforting and reassuring request into an expression of the utmost malignance.

"Why?" Vader asked.

Sidious gave him the Glare Of Doom.

Vader sighed.

"Fine. I grew up on Tattooine-"

"Just as I thought," Sidious whispered, scribbling furiously on a notepad, just loud enough to interrupt. "Oedipus Complex."

"What's Oedipus Complex?" Vader inquired warily. Sidious's head jerked up from the notepad with a speed that suggested he really didn't want to tell Vader what Oedipus Complex was.

"Umm," he articulated hesitantly, flipping through the Big Book of Freudian Disorders. "It's when you, uh, want-to-kill-your-father-to-replace-his-position-with-your-mother," he explained, clearly trying to speak too fast for Vader to comprehend.

"WHAT!" Vader bellowed, standing up.

"So you don't have Oedipus Complex?" Sidious asked fearfully.

"NO! Holy crap, I don't even have a father!" Vader said indignantly. "What idiot thought of that?"

"Oh," Sidious said in an undertone. "This ruins Freud's theory that Oedipus Complex was universal."

"Universal?" Vader repeated disbelievingly.

"What does this inkblot look like to you?" Sidious inquired, holding up a card, desperately trying to change the subject.

"An inkblot," Vader responded, exasperated.

"And this one?"

"An inkblot."

"And this one?" Vader's head shot up.

"For a second I thought it was a podracer, but then I realized it was an inkblot."

Vader was getting the sinking feeling Sidious had orchestrated this whole thing so he could pretend to be a psychoanalyst.

"That's all the time we have," Sidious decided, lying through his teeth. Vader turned to leave.

"You do know that Freud was on cocaine, don't you?" he queried before leaving.

"Hmm," the cyborg heard from behind the door. "Hostility…"


	11. Is Bored Of His Theme Music

Darth Vader Is Bored of His Theme Music

Vader stood up and walked away from the Council of Grand Moffs.

Nothing happened.

"Ahem," he said loudly.

"Sorry," the conductor of his floating orchestra apologized sheepishly, and began waving his arms around. The orchestra began to play the Imperial March so Vader could storm away properly.

_This theme music is sooo repetitive! _The Sith thought. _Dun dun dun dun DAH dun, dun DAH dun! DUN DUN DUN don DAH dun, don DAH don! Over and ever! It's insane! It'll drive me insane._

Vader stormed around a little more, feeling the irritation, and scared the pants of several junior officers.

_I miss my "Wicked" soundtrack_, the more rebellious part of his mind thought. He couldn't deny the truth in that. _This SUCKS!_

_Maybe…_ the rebel deliberated, _I could make "Wicked" my theme music…_

--------

"I realized it shouldn't be my theme music unless I wrote it myself," Vader explained blandly. "So I notated this." He offered Sidious a paper of sheet music. Sidious, suspecting revenge for his possessed birthday "gift," took the sheet with extreme caution. His vigilance soon turned to astonishment as he looked over the paper.

"These are the lyrics to "Defying Gravity" with one word changed," he announced.

"I know!" Vader shouted. "Isn't it great?"


	12. Cleans His Inbox

Darth Vader Cleans Out His Inbox

A/N: Our favorite Sith Lord uses a Microsoft PC because most of these drabbles are exaggerated versions of day-to-day events in MY life transposed on his.

* * *

Darth Vader let out a deep sigh of satisfaction. After a long, boring business trip, he was finally home. And more importantly, finally to his homepage. He hurriedly bypassed the "Wicked" wallpaper and stupid pop-up (how he got pop-ups without being on the Internet, he'd never know) and headed straight for the Outlook Express icon.

"Holy crap!" he exclaimed as the number of unread emails jumped from five to ten to thirty. "Internet Karma has finally paid off!" Internet Karma is the magical property by which one receives a proportionate number of emails as to how much they do to benefit the Internet society.

He waited till the blue "receiving mail" emblem turned into the "no new messages" envelope to check the first email. He skimmed it.

"No, I would not like to a Nigerian widow settle her legal affairs by setting up a wire transfer with American currency," the black-robed figure informed the screen. "What is America, some kind of bank? Delete!" He hit the mighty red X of judgment, and the Nigerian widow was no more. He read on.

"What the Mustafar would I do with a revolutionary new vacuum cleaner?" the Sith grumbled. "Hit people over the head with it?"

"Please download the attachment onto your computer. It will make your machine run up to 7 times as fast," Vader read aloud. He looked at the attachment. "KillerTrojanVirus. Come ON."

_"There wuz this guy. He lieked this gurl. But she didtn leik him. So he sh0t himsev.& she gto a nute saying hE sh0t himsev B'cuz he wuz sad he didtn leik him. Then hse sh0t hersev. The Edn. Sedn this email to 10 othre peeps or youll never be l0ved,"_ Vader read silently. He suddenly realized everything Sidious had told him about their citizens being morons was true.


	13. Makes A Totally Awesome Gym Bag

Darth Vader Makes A Totally Awesome Gym Bag

Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, had just graduated ninth grade home economics.

This, as he frequently told his subordinates, was not as girly as it sounded, he had never received a "real" education, he needed easy credits to graduate, and look, he made a totally awesome gym bag! When was the last time they made a totally awesome gym bag?

"Man, this is so much better than my other gym bag," he told an unenthusiastic Palpatine. "I mean, come on. It's bright green. I'll never lose it."

"Or look directly at it," the Emperor muttered, thinking that Vader might take some time off in the future.

"And, it's not too big. I have thirty cubic centimeters of space in this baby. Any more than that and you're just showing off, right?"

"Or you need it to hold something bigger than a lightsaber," he said under his breath, considering the possibility that Vader's upcoming vacation might not be sabbatical so much as hospitalization.

"And it's water-resistant, too!" Vader babbled on, blissfully unaware of Palpatine's open hostility as he wondered how soon was too soon to kill one's apprentice.

"Or, at least, it should be. I had to rip out the seams, like, four times. But one girl in the class had to rip out _five_ (I think she might be mentally delayed, though)"

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS UNHOLY, SHUT UP, THE BAG SUCKS!"

"But-"

"ON ICE! IT SUCKS ON ICE!"

He escorted a very confused Dark Lord of the Sith to the door, and realized he had just uttered the phrase "sucks on ice."

He reached for the blaster to end it all, then recognized that sometimes, to really communicate, you have to sink to their level.


End file.
